


Turtles don’t fuck

by WoodleNoodle



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Birthday Parties, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Gay John Laurens, Hercules is a horsefucker, Homophobic Henry Laurens, Inspired by AO3tagoftheday, M/M, Modern Hamilton, Ok i know i just tagged this tmnt yaoi, The tmnt fandom needs JESUS, There's a mention of hamliza, Tmnt yaoi, Turtles don’t fuck, but he doesnt exist mostly, but what the FUCK are those tmnt tags?, other modern tags that apply here or fucking whatever, some fourth wall break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 22:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17109416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoodleNoodle/pseuds/WoodleNoodle
Summary: John Laurens is not a turtle fucker. He really isn't. He doesn’t care what his friends will tell you, he swears on his mother's grave that he does not fuck turtles. Nor does he fantasize about turtles fucking each other. Teenage, mutant, ninja, or otherwise. In fact, they don't fuck at all. It does not happen and he does not take any pleasure in the idea that it might. Hercules believes this.Alexander and Lafayette do not.





	Turtles don’t fuck

Now, you might find yourself wondering how this turtle discourse all started. That's not in the least unusual. It is, after all, a very strange thing to be accused of having sexual attraction to turtles. It's even stranger than being accused of having sexual intercourse with horses. It's just so strange that it would just have to be true. But John assures you that it’s not.

It all began on one very uneventful day in October. He had just recently opened up commissions on his Tumblr page, and he'd been getting a really weird amount of turtle-related commissions. He held no particular interest in them, and he'd never mentioned them on any of his blogs. Still, he didn’t mind. He was getting paid to draw them, and he thought they were fine creatures anyway. So, he went about his usual routine, posting a sketch he'd made of a pair of great tits (the bird, of course) and captioning the picture with, “don't worry guys they're not female presenting”.

Chuckling quietly to himself at his joke, he opened up his email to see if he'd gotten any new commissions; he didn’t like using Tumblr's message system. That's when he saw it. The email that started it all. It came from an E. Garden. He opened the email, reading it. Someone wanted him to draw “yaoi” of Donatello and Michelangelo. The ninja turtles.

Now, in his defense, he did not want to do this. He wanted to delete the email and never have to see the words “yaoi” and “turtles” in the same sentence ever again. In fact, he didn’t even want to draw an NSFW commission. But he forgot to put that in his commission rules, the silly boy. And this person was willing to pay him more than he'd even asked for. How could he say no to this?

So, for the next half hour, John and this E. Garden emailed each other back and forth, discussing the details of this commission until John knew exactly what they wanted him to draw. Then he opened up his art software. His hands shook as he plugged his tablet into the USB port. He checked several times over that his father wasn't home- his father already refused to accept that he was gay, he was _not_ going to have him walk in on his kid drawing gay turtle porn. And finally, he clicked his pen and began the sketch.

Almost two hours passed by. He grew slowly more comfortable drawing something so lewd, stopped minimizing the tab every time he heard the slightest noise. That was his big mistake. That, and leaving the door unlocked.

 

Now, let's step back for a moment. What about those friends from earlier? Well, they were at Starbucks, where they always met on weekends. It wasn’t so unusual that John would be late. They knew that his father was stricter than theirs and didn’t let him go out with his friends until he finished his chores (which he had a lot of). But his chores had never taken him this long before.

Alexander was worried, eyes glued to his phone even as he conversed. He'd been texting John for the past hour, why hadn’t he responded yet? The real answer is that John likes to leave his phone on silent while he draws- that way he doesn’t get distracted. Alexander was convinced that he'd died some painful death or broken his arm or gotten otherwise seriously injured.

Lafayette noticed this. He sighed, placing his hand on Alexander's shoulder. “Mon ami,” he said, his voice taking on a softer tone than usual, “I'm sure John is fine.”

“But- Laf, he never takes this long to show up and he won’t even text me back! He knows we’re supposed to meet up!” That was true. John knew they were supposed to meet up. But he had simply lost track of time, which wasn’t unusual when he was drawing. Alexander looked up from his phone. “John could be hurt! We don’t know!”

“Alex,” Hercules said, setting his cup down. “We do know where he lives. Why don’t we just go over and see what's taking so long?”

So, they did, since that seemed to be the only thing anyone had said for the past hour and a half that calmed him down. Alexander ran toward the door, knocking loudly until a young girl around the age of twelve opened the door. She was Martha, John's little sister. She was the only one in his family who both knew and accepted his sexuality. She found out when she walked in on him making out with Alexander at a sleepover two years ago.

She smiled up at the group, opening the door wider and hugging Alexander in greeting. “Hiya, big brother in law!”

He laughed quietly, his cheeks tinted red as he returned the hug. She insisted on calling Alexander her big brother in law ever since she learned he was dating John. Even after he told her that they weren’t married, she told him that someday they would be and kept calling him that. “Good to see you too, Martha.”

She pulled away, giggling. “You're here to see Jackie, aren’t you? He's in his bedroom, but he said he was working and I couldn’t come in until he was done.”

Alexander nodded, looking up at Hercules and Lafayette. Lafayette grinned, and before he could even say _“I told you so,”_  Alex was already sprinting up to John's bedroom. Hercules and Lafayette followed him, of course. Hercules burst open the door, shouting something along the lines of, _“John, where have you been?!”_ John quickly turned around in his desk chair, his face flushed red and his pen flying out of his hand.

There was a short moment of silence before John turned around, scrambling to minimize the tab he'd been drawing in. But it was already too late. Lafayette, Hercules, and Alexander had already seen the gay turtle sex he was coloring. Heart pounding out of his chest, John let out a nervous laugh and waved. “H-Hey guys! I- I didn't- I wasn’t uh- wasn’t expecting you!”

The silence lingered for ten uncomfortable seconds, feeling to John like minutes. He attempted to break the silence again. “I was, um- I didn’t- I forgot about... y-you know, the meeting and- and stuff. Whoops! Haha! I- I got a little- got out of bed late and... and I guess I, er... lost track of time! Sorry, guys!” He scratched the back of his neck, grinning. “I might- I must've worried y’all!”

“John, what the hell was just on your screen.”

John stared up at Alexander, his face burning. He was always a terrible liar. “O-Okay- guys, I swear I can explain.”

Lafayette smirked, looking over to Hercules. “Well, well, I guess you’re not the only-“

“Just listen to him, alright? Give the man a chance.”

“You’re just saying that because-“

“Guys!” John huffed, though he was grateful for Hercules defending him. Even if he was pretty sure he _was_ only saying it because the group had walked in on him watching _My Little Pony_ and he'd been accused of fucking horses ever since. He took a deep breath, disconnecting his tablet. “That was a _commission_. I'm getting _paid_ to draw this, okay?”

“Bullshit,” Alexander said, visibly holding back his laughter. John's face took on an even darker shade of red. “No, seriously, I can prove it!” He opened up Chrome, showing him the emails. _“See?!”_

“I've listened to _Dear Evan Hansen_ enough to know emails aren’t solid proof. How do we know _you're_ not E. Garden?“

“Evan Hansen faked the emails _after_ Connor's mom-!“

“Dude, _spoilers_ ,” hissed Hercules.

“You seriously need to give it a listen.” Alexander rolled his eyes.

John sighed, shaking his head. When would his friends learn to grow the hell up? Oh well. He had a reasonable explanation, at least. So he figured that by the end of the month they would shut the hell up and maybe forget about it. He was very wrong.

 

Flash forward to the 28th. What was so special about the 28th, you might ask? Well, you uncultured swine, I might reply, in case you forgot, it’s October. It was John’s 17th birthday. His father was not there. He was busy campaigning for his senate re-election. That was fine by John, though. He didn’t like his father very much. Instead, he was celebrating with his friends and sister.

Alexander was first to arrive, as usual. He brought a short, fat present, the wrapping paper black with cartoon turtles all over it, and a rainbow colored gift bag. John wasn’t very concerned by the turtle box, though; he kept getting turtle commissions and he was growing quite fond of the little reptiles. Alexander set the box down on the coffee table, sitting down on the couch next to John and happily greeting him with a kiss.

Ten minutes later, Hercules and Lafayette arrived together. Hercules seemed a little grumpy for some reason or another, but his frown disappeared the moment John and Alex greeted him. Martha came down the stairs soon after with Henry Jr., her and John's seven year old brother. “Sorry we took so long. I had to wake him up and help him get dressed.”

John smiled up at her. “It’s okay. You didn’t miss anything, anyway.”

“Where’s the cake?” Henry huffed. “I didn’t get dressed just to not get cake.”

“Henry, it’s ten in the morning, you’re not getting cake.”

“This party is stupid.” He then went back upstairs, prompting Martha to run after him and earning a laugh out of John's friends.

“She does know we're not even partying here, right?” Alexander raised an eyebrow. “And that he's not invited?”

“She knows. She just likes to dress him up. And he will run around the house naked if she doesn’t. I don’t think you guys want to see that.”

“Definitely not.”

 

They hung out around the house for another hour anyway, mostly because none of them had eaten breakfast yet and Lafayette offered to cook breakfast, which everyone approved of. Even Henry Jr., though he stopped approving of it when he found out that he wasn’t making cake. Just before John and his friends left was when John opened his presents.

He started with Martha's gift, which was pretty simple. Just a mug that said _“#1 Big Brother”_ on it. But he thanked her for it. Lafayette had given him a big book of nature stuff. It was entirely in French, which he apologized for profusely- he couldn’t find any copies in English- but John assured him it was fine and he was fluent in French anyway. Hercules had gotten him a new sketchbook. His current one was getting to be full, so he appreciated it, but couldn’t help but feel like there was more.

His suspicion was confirmed as he moved onto Alexander’s presents. “Open the bag first, save the best for last. Herc helped me with the second gift.”

He grinned over to Hercules, who was glaring daggers at him. John chuckled quietly at this, reaching into the rainbow bag and pulling out a fucking _36 piece set of copic markers_. He stared down at it in amazement for a moment, his mouth agape. Holy fucking shit. He set down the markers, throwing his arms around Alexander. Alexander chuckled, gently pushing John away. “Babe, I can't breathe in here.”

“I'm sorry, I just-“ He loosened his grip, grinning down at Alexander. “I can’t believe you got fucking _copics_ for me! You’re so amazing, oh my god.” He was on the verge of tears from sheer happiness. He leaned in, happily kissing him. He giggled as he pulled away. “And you said to save the best- what could you and Herc have gotten me that was possibly any better than fucking _copics?”_

“Open the box for yourself and see.” Alexander handed the box over to him, smirking. Hercules looked like he wanted to die right then and there. John slowly tore open the wrapping paper, confused. A box from some clothing store. He shot a quizzical look Alexander's way.

“Go on, open it.”

He sighed, opening the box. Inside were two black T-shirts. They had brown text on them which read, _“TURTLES DON'T,”_  the O replaced by a turtle, and then one shirt said _“FUCK”_ under it, while the other was politely censored to _“F*CK.”_

John looked back up at Alex, shaking his head and sighing. “I'm not sure if I love you or hate you right now.”

Alexander was too busy laughing his ass off to respond. Lafayette was equally cracking up. Hercules had left the room entirely, and Martha was just confused. John rolled his eyes, his face turning bright red. “It’s not that funny,” John grumbled, shoving Alexander off the coffee table where he was sitting.

“Ow- hey, it was just a joke!” Alexander sat up, chuckling as he rubbed his head where it had hit the floor. “Come on, you know you love me~”

“I don’t know how I fell for your dumb ass.” He smiled faintly, sighing and helping Alexander up. He let out a squeak as Alex hugged him, kissing his cheek.

“You should have seen Herc when he made his own shirt, mon ami.” Lafayette grinned.

“What did you do.”

“Hercules!” Lafayette called, turning to the doorway through which he had left.

Hercules came back in, his face flushed red. He'd taken off his jacket and wrapped it around his waist. Underneath, he was wearing a black t-shirt with brown text in the same size and font which read, _“AND NEITHER DO HORSES,”_  the H in ‘neither’ replaced with a horse standing on its hind legs and raising its front legs in the air. He crossed his arms, huffing. “They forced me to do it.”

“We didn’t force you into anything~”

“Blackmail counts as forcing.” He glared down at Lafayette.

John raised an eyebrow. “You _blackmailed_  him?”

Alexander chuckled. “Let's just say it involves-“

“Shut up. We leave now or I will burn this shirt.”

“Okay, okay.” Alex rolled his eyes, smirking up at John. “You gonna change into your new shirt?”

“I love you, but hell no.”

“So you admit that you're into turtle porn?”

“What-? No!” John huffed, pulling himself away from Alexander. “If I wear it, will you shut up about the turtle porn thing?”

“Well, we were all in the room where it happened...”

“Don’t make this into a shitty self reference, me being paid to draw teenage mutant ninja turtle yaoi is _not_ in any way similar to you fucking cheating on Eliza.”

“Okay, fine.”

Hercules and Lafayette turned and looked away. John glanced down at Alexander for a moment. “Aren’t you gonna...”

“What? You’re _hot_ shirtless.”

“You can see me shirtless later tonight, Alex.” John huffed, ignoring Lafayette's laughter as he turned Alexander around and changed into the uncensored version of the shirt. “Okay, you guys can look.”

Alexander spun around immediately, followed soon after by the others. John sighed. “Now, are we actually leaving anytime soon, or-?”

“Yeah, once we get a group picture.” Alexander grinned, getting out his phone and handing it to Martha. She had to take a group picture for them every time they went out for John's birthday. She backed up, giving them time to do whatever stupid pose they wanted to do this year. Alexander did the exact same thing in every group picture, doing one fingergun aimed for the sky and the other at John. Nobody knew why he did this and nobody asked. Hercules and John stood next to each other, equally done with everyone's shit. Lafayette stood behind them, arms wrapped around their shoulders and a grin on his face.

Martha took the picture, handing Alexander’s phone back to him. She then jumped up on John, tightly hugging him. They would have let her go out with them this year since she was actually pretty mature for her age and used to beg to come with them, but with John's father gone and mother dead, she had to stay home to take care of Henry Jr. and their baby sister Mary. “See you later, big brother!”

“Of course. I'll see you when we get home. Take good care of Henry while we’re gone. I love you.” He smiled as he pulled away from the hug.

“Love you too, and sure thing.” She pointed up at Alexander, grinning. “And you take good care of my brother while you're gone! Or else I'll beat you up!”

Alexander laughed, nodding. “You’ve got my word on it, kiddo.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading my stuff. i have a really short fluffy historical lams thing that I wrote a few nights ago too. Might just publish it later if y'all want?


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